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雅思作文点评:大学男女生是否应该一样多?

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  下面是一篇剑桥5里面的题目,关于大学里面男学生和女学生是不是应该一样多。

  Gender discrimination is always a topic in our society. Nowadays, anissue(应该是the issue,因为表示特指) under discussion is whether equal numbers of male andfemale students should be enrolled in every subject by universityies(拼写!). In myopinion, it is benificial to put emphasis on sexual equality. However, therequest of accepting same(前面要加the,属于固定用法) numbers of boys and girls in everysubject is overly simplistic.

  点评:从结构和内容上来说,还不错,符合要求:前两句话过渡一下,交待背景信息,最后表达自己的观点.本段作者是通过两句话来表达观点,也未尝不可.

  从语言角度来说,没有严重的错误,从句也得到了运用,但是还是有错。

  There are mainly two reasons for me to sayso.(过于口语化的表达.而且这句话就代表了本段要写两个分论点!这不是一种preferred的写法,既然有两个原因,为什么不能写成两段呢?!这样结构不是更加清晰么.)Firstly, individuals have their own rights to choose the subjects they enjoy.Thus, it is hard to say whether the number of these two different genders willcoincidentally be the same in the end. Secondly,(这里开始应该另起一段) the society callsfor different things from males and females. According to my experience, we havea special school named "Female school" in our university, the main subjects ofwhich are intermedia, individual image design, photography and so on. Only girlscan get enrolled in this school because the main goal of this school is tocultivate girls that not only can stand on their own fet(拼写!) after graduation,but also live a good life while they act as mothers or housewives in the future.There is no doubt that males and females will act different roles in societyafter graduation.

  点评: 结构上已经说过了,最好分成两段.内容上来说,两个分论点写地一般,第一个分论点后面的扩展太少;第二个分论点本身太抽象,表达地不清楚.

  语法上还可以,错误并不多,但是好像没什么特别精彩的地方。

  Admittedly, up till now, sex discrimination remains a problem. The emphasison equal education opportunities for both boys and girls is exactly a must,especially in rural areas. However, since boys and girls are born with differentgifts and missions, the extreme equivalence is somehow a myth. Only when thegender differences are eliminated can this extreme equivalence come true.

  点评: 这段写得还不错,内容、结构和句型上都比较顺。

  In conclusion, I admit the importance of equal education opportunities forboth males and females. But just like the harm sex discrimination will do, anemphasis on extreme equality of these two genders is also detrimental.

  这段写得也很不错。

  总评:全文后半部分写得还不错,主要就是第一段有些问题.貌似可以给个6.5-7分吧。